I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
