Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
