i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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