I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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