just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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