Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
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just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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