I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
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He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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