tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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