chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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