I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
