He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
