I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
