2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
