I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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