I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
