oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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