toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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