Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
