I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
