just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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