Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
