so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
