my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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