DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
