I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
