According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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