It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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