you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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