that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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