please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
