youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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