Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My breasts were aching with rage.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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