Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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