yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
