i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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