just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
