Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
