Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
