Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just found puke in my bra..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
