o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
