It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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