You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
