Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize