why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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