The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
