not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize