There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
