You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
