i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
