My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
