Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
