Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
