i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
