I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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