I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Shame is for Republicans.
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