We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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