I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
